Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sickness during Exam Period: A Little Girl in Middle of World

My final exam will be around corner again. As usual, I will feel uncomfortable, stressing, headache and sometime fever. Wonder why all these illness will accompany me before exam. During this period as well, I will think much more unnecessary stuffs.. Will feel much more lonely than usual time, much more fear to future than usual time.. Not sure whether other students will feel the same. Maybe I am giving too much pressure to myself or perhaps I am scared to be loser. I am trying hard to please people around me, but still not much different. People around me might think I am strong, I am tough enough to handle things, but in fact, they are all wrong. In spite, I am gal that need help most of the time but could not get help from anyone. I am weak that sometime need shoulder to cry on and need hand to pull me up but non willing to do so. I am gal that need attention and companion, but seem hardly get along with people around me. I am gal seeking for peaceful and simple life, but my life seem storming and difficult… For me life seem playing a big game with a little girl that make the girl lost psychologically. Sometime, I might think I am weird creature in world that I could not even manage myself probably. Everything seems a mess in my world. I wanted people to know what am I thinking, but when I speak it out, things seems to be different make me more miserable. Perhaps I really have to learn not to let other people to hold my Key of Happiness. Should not hope for people love that much and accept what God created for me. I dreamt to be happy housewife in future, but God told me no, I have to study hard to be professional. I wanted to rely on people even a small thing because I do not want to be strong, but God told me no, you have to do it by yourself. I wanted to be selfish in some matter, but God said no, saying that I am not living alone in the world. I do not want to take note on things around me, but God let me see clearly my responsibility. I wanted to drag myself in wonder world, but God drag me back to reality. I wanted to give up, but God sent me angels to hold me on track.
Sometime, feel really funny that I could not identified myself. I am not sure whether I am childish thinking or mature. Whether I am in right track or not, whether should go or left, whether should do or not. Life have too much of things to consider. Those who are strong to go through will success. Those who are weak will lost their track and be follower. While me, is going to be in middle of these two options. I do not want to be follower but on the other hand, I do not want to be strong as well.
The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do, the hard part is doing it.
Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf

Monday, January 15, 2007

What A Lonely Birthday

Today is my Birthday..suppose to be my Day..

Monday, January 01, 2007

Is New Year..HAppy New YEar :)

Today is the first day for year 2007. I promised myself on last day of 2006 that I will give myself the best in this year. Well, I will saying this every year, but none of the best things I could do. Although I cannot achieved things that I set, but still wanted to give myself another chance this year... he he…

This year I’m not going to be waiting for things to come. Well, I mean, not going to putting hope on those things that is impossible for me. Example, I always waiting for someone to saying ‘hi’ to me, waiting someone to aware of my exist, waiting for someone that might think of me in certain places and grab me some small present, hoping someone will remember me and lots more. I really hope that I’m not going to be the one who always approaching people, guess people get bored of my attitude like this. Therefore, in this year I really hope I can be more passive. Hope so.

Today, I went for movie alone again after my work, watching “The Guardian”. Guess what… I was crying in cinema again. The person who sitting next to me was alone as well and thing that I hated the most happened again. He gave me tissue when he realized I was crying. Oh…really hate it. Moreover, this is second time stranger gave me tissue in cinema. I really need to prepare tissue whenever going for movies next time. I really do not know why I can easily put myself in the movies. Even comedy I can cry if there is short length of sadness scene. Shameful. Wonder if anyone of you all like to watch movie alone in cinema like me. What will you do if u realizes person sitting beside you are crying watching the movie? Hand over tissue as well?