Sunny in the morning, suddenly storm in the evening

What a hot and sunny morning..Feeling lazy walking to campus..little did I know that the storm is coming to my way......

Finished my last paper for this term this morning. Finally, I thought. I will start my industrial training tomorrow at a local English newspaper as their trainee reporter, kind of excited. Really couldn't wait for tomorrow. Even thought deep down in my heart I'm really fear stepping in the writing desk again. I wish I can do better than last time.

After my exam, I walked alone in the mall without any direction. Don't feel like going to cinema, don't feel like visiting any friends...just keep walking. Really hard to describe the feeling. Doubtful and lost.

Reached home, i did nothing..just turned on my lappy and watched some Hong Kong series which I had watched for thousand times. Browsing my FB, and a familiar name pop up. Like usual, I tried to keyed in his name, hoping to know how he is doing. "In relationship with xxx" this status caught my eye. Suddenly feel like storming outside my room go straight into my heart. -Heartbreaking- I bet he is doing really well over there. Well, shame on me. I couldn't find a reason to keep me going. I'm just doing what I should do for the past one year. I realised I no longer dream to go to any ends.

Life is tough, that's why we are human. I should really start looking forward my life, looking forward how to make my life fills with colours and not just Black-White movie. Starting my reporting life tomorrow should be a brand new start. Even though I know it is not easy to be a journalist [with my quality] but I will try hard to reach what I have been aiming.

"When you've found a reason to walk away, never look back... Just keep walking. It's better to get lost moving on than to get stuck and stranded broken."

Media Freedom vs Responsibilities in HELP

Every now and then, media practitioners always mention and argue about the media freedom and rights in Malaysia. Last Wednesday (4^th November), mass communication students from HELP University College were being told about the rationale behind this concept of ideal press freedom , as it applies to Malaysia.

This talk with the title “Media Right vs Media Responsibilities” was organized by the Communication Laws and Ethics students from the Department of Communication in HELP University. It held in their main campus, located in Damansara Heights. The organizing students invited two reputable guest speakers to share their opinions. The first guest speaker is well known lawyer and also a fighter for human rights, Malik Imtiaz Ahmed Sarwar. While the second guest speaker is the Editor-in-Chief of popular online newspaper, Steven Gan to share their views regarding the topic.

The one and a half hours talk began with Malik Imtiaz, who shared about his opinions on the role of media controllers in Malaysia and the laws regulating the media. According to Imtiaz, Malaysia have sufficient laws such as the “Defamation Act” and “Seditious Act” to regulate the media organizations from being off their limit in reporting. Hence, he concluded that there was no need for Malaysian political parties to act as media watch dog in their contents.

“The newspapers are writing for politicians and not the public like you and me,” Imtiaz says. According to him, this is what will happen if the political parties become involved in managing the media organizations.

However, before ending his sharing talk, he also asked the assembled students a few questions. He asked if press freedom is important and is it dangerous to have free press in Malaysia. These questions gave the students a pause before answering.

“I think Malaysians may not be ready for a total freedom of press, but I believe they can learn and move up without any interference from the political parties,” says Yuki Ling, a final year student of Bachelor of Communication in HELP University College.

Then the second speaker Steven Gan took over and moved away from media laws and political parties to discuss the responsibilities and the ethics of journalists. After being in the journalism field for so many years, he shared his experiences and his views on ethics in journalism.

In his sharing, Steven talked about how he had to create a fake identity in order for him to get into a detention camp, where his is doing an investigation on various diseases being reported. According to him, even though faking an identity might not sound ethical, but he believes that he did not hurt anybody in doing so, but that the action might bring a huge and important story to the public.

Through this sharing, students crowd in the hall looked surprise and do not expects that they we hearing an untold stories from an experienced journalist. Steven also told the crowd that he doesn’t believe in publishing dead body in the media, but for current Teoh Beng Hock’s case, he made an exception. Not convinced by his sharing, one of the students thrown him another question asking why Teoh’s body is an exception.

“I published the picture because I believe this is a public interest story,” Steven explained on his extraordinary action.

Even though there were still many unasked queries from the students, but the talk had to ends at the scheduled time it was planned to avoid any inconvenience for the guests and the crowd. From this short session, students from the Department of Communication gained the insight of their future goals and career paths from these two respectful guest speakers.

David Tao ^^

As usual, I’m having my 4-hour break before my next class. Planned to do my assignment which due this coming Friday, but guess what, I spending the 4 hours looking and loading for David Tao’s videos@@

He is such a fantastic celebrity. His songs, voice and characteristics just make me loves him so much during my high school. After all these years, I can’t believe it I did the same thing again today (feel like screaming, like myself joining his concert @@).. someone passed me his live concert songs in Hong Kong, the way he acted during the concert just make me realize that, “oh gosh, I love David!!!” Trust me, I’m not that kind of girl who will crazy over celebrities. Well, David is just different, trust me he is different…the way he brings his music just different compared with other celebrities.

Well, he robbed my heart again ^^ and the poor thing is, well Yuki, you need to stay up late tonight to get your assignment done @@

Facing the same situation again

Walking on the street, turning my head up to the sky, the same sky, I saw the familiar object. The scenario was just like how I used to look like in the past 2 years. Walking alone on the streets, watching the aeroplanes flying above one by one, and same as previous time, I’m still being alone here.

Life is a kind of funny things. Good things happened, and of cause bad things are still around. Standing where you are, looking at the same sky, seeing the same things, yet things around me keep changing. People change, movies in cinema change, music genres change, the only thing that seems remain the same is me, Yuki.

Perhaps, I changed, but not in a positive way. Bad things getting worst, good things turned bad. Someone asked me a question, a question a friend used to ask me before, “What is your purpose of life?” I didn’t answer the way I used to. Feeling just like I’m no longer passion in what I’ve been chasing for, my dream, my purpose of life. This really makes me not in mood.

“They tell me your blue skies fade to gray, they tell me your passion's gone away.”

Where am I supposed to be?

New Year, as usual, people will set new goals, telling themselves that everything bad will be over, and new things/good things will be ahead.. Sad to tell this, but all these are lie..Just like others, I told myself, everything will be good. I started off with new term in University, going to new Church, wearing new clothes, looking for new boyfriend (well, trying to...), everything filled with hopes..but, you see, reality sometimes is kind of cruel. Things just will not be as what you want them to be..

I started my new term in Uni, and received my results for last term..kind of bad one..even though is not much different from what im expecting, but trust me, its hurt...When i failed my own goal, I will keep thinking, "am I in the place where I supposed to be?"... This is kind of negative, but when things are bad, will just make me a negative person..

Maybe I really have no talent to be a journalist/writer...I can't write, and my English is sucks...

All the things here just doesn't seem good to me...

I am back

Hooray…!!! Finally I start my studies in HELP University…After one week struggling in the campus I finally experienced a real-life university study with proper class discussion and lecture today.

After the orientation week, I have been running up and down between my university’s main campus and the learning campus to settle down my registration and subjects to be taken this semester. I had my first proper lecture today, which was really interesting. I started to feel that my dreams and all my hopes in the future are coming back. My desire to works in the media industry is coming back to me.

After a year leaving the school table, I started to feels that I’m not really belong to the media, as I really had tough time in the magazine company. Well, my jobs there were easy, just that I was not mature enough to handle all the stress and discrimination given. Also because I was not ready to meets the public, maybe.

In the past 14 months without school, many things happened out of my expectations. I had been a journalist, who I always wanted to be, but sadly I was the lousiest journalist that the media ever had, I guess. I saw the ugliest scenes behind the media, the reality of political as well as the giant companies. Yet, being a journalist thought so many lessons in life, which you will never obtain in the school.

Due to the “high” level of pressure in the media, I became more and more weird. No time to meet friends, no time for movies, no time for communicate etc. So, I started my cyber life. I went online so frequent, just like I might die if there is no internet connection. Met many people around the globe, where we share and care. I considered myself as the lucky one, as I met many nice people online. They are willing to listen, to share, to advise and to cheer me up.

In the pass 14 months as well, I went to Korea for a trip. (This really spent most of my saving) I really had wonderful time there, having a lot of first trial in the foreign country without knowing their language. Travel oversea, travel alone, ski etc really make me so excited. The experiences really make me so happy and release. I really like Korea and will bring myself there again!!!
감사합니다 상현오빠!! 나정말좋아해요…!!

Best Dress from Heavenly God

Today was a bad day, yet in the midst of the darkness I received best dress from the God in Heaven.

I had a dinner just now, was a very grand dinner, Gala FIABCI Night which was meant for the Real Estate and Property players in Malaysia. The King of the State was there as well. Knew this was a big event that I’m going to attend couple of weeks ago, I was cracking my head wondering what should I wear to the dinner. Well, I’m not really good in dressing.

I bought a white dress for it, which I though might be suitable, but instead the dress is good for press conference and not a grand dinner. Then, my sis offered to spare me her dress. Excited, for sure. I only got the dress this evening, around 4PM something. After my sis passed it to me, she went off. So, my friend suggested me to try the dress first before we going back. I tried. Worst thing happened.. The dress wasn’t my size. What the…and that time was 4:30p.m. Since, we are still in the shopping complex, we quickly went and look for another dress.

Don’t know how many shops we dropped in, only thing I aware was, I tried the most dresses in my life. Even tried many, but I couldn’t get a suitable one. Well, guess I’m too short and of cause because I do not have a good body figure.

When we decided to tried the last shop because was 5:30pm and my editor is going to pick me up at 6:30pm, I finally got one. A good, pretty suitable black dress. Well, the best thing not end there. I need to reached home and dress up myself in 45mins (the shopping mall to my house, is about one hour if I take a bus) So, I took the monorail and get a cab. Because there were too many people waiting for the cab, so I decided to try my luck to approach some people to share the cab with me (this is also to save my money, since I spend some unexpected money on my dress). Best part is, the person who shared the cab with me said I do not have to pay for the cab’s fare. Jesus Christ, this is really great..

Even today seems a bad day, I need to get a dress within 30mins with my “weird” body was already a bad thing. Then, during the dinner, fuh..damn bad..and troubles created by sis was added my headache. Hence, with all the hassles, God actually prepare one of the best dress for me to wear during the dinner. Thanks my Father Lord in Heaven. Really appreciate it..

Happiness is a choice

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, In all the ways you can, in all the places you can, At all the time you can, to all the people you can, As long as you ever can.

John Wesley

I doubt these phases are true.

I used to think the world will be beautiful as long as I am a positive thinker. Well, I doubt that as well. I became a weird thinker instead. I realized that I’m that kind of people who wanted to have a good relationship with every one in this world. I’m pushing myself to be HOLY, which I think is quite impossible. Turn up, everything became totally out of control now. Lost my dignity, lost my dream, lost my friends, lost my confident, lost almost everything. I realised that actually I can’t treat everyone equally fair and good. Well, perhaps I can, but hey Yuki, people out there will not appreciate it. Or, I’m not doing good enough for them.

Life seem difficult, but I keep telling myself “This world is beautiful”. No one will say this to me. So, I said it to myself and tell people around me “Hey, even life is difficult, but this world is beautiful”. Because I know it is a very short but a comfortable statement. But now for these few weeks. Things around me seem leaving me behind and moved away from me.

My so called first love, hope that we don’t meet for a while. My family, well, they don’t know much about me because I don’t want to add any extra burdens for my mum. A BIG gap between my so-called best friends. For those normal friends, well, what can you expect from an ordinary friend? Wanted to get some release from my part time job, but ended up it turn to be a nightmare. My position in magazine company seems doesn’t allow me to continue the part time job. I tried not to affect my journalist job, so trying hard to solve all the problems. However, life is really difficult. My boss trying to get every single little mistake from my works to prove that the part time job did affect my work in the company. I really tried to be your best journalist, really I did. I even changed my clothing, changed my hairstyle, changed my interest to love in property to fit the company. Perhaps, I still not good enough, but I tried. Just give me some support and please trust me.

People said happiness is your choice, but hey, we are not living in an island alone. People around us did give us big impact. Well, people out there, Yuki is just a normal person, who need courage to move forward, will have emotion when stress filled up my mind, can’t please everyone in the world, most importantly Yuki hate waiting and Yuki hate to be alone…

Let him go

Anyone out there can define “love” to me? I’ve been asking myself, how deep is my love to him. But my conscious can’t tell me. I started to feel that I’m a loser that do not even know how to love a person. Someone told me, to love someone is to give all you can to the person. Perhaps, I only accept and do not give what I suppose to give.

Again, someone told me, if you love him deep enough you will definitely tell him how you feel. But I didn’t tell him how deep I love him, not because I doubt about my feeling. Just that I don’t want to lose him because I know he only want to be my friend. I don’t want to give him any pressure.

When that day, we exchange the things we promised to each other since long time ago, I knew it clearly that we can’t get together। I decided to him go for so many times in early day, but that night I knew it clearly I really have to let him go. Cant describe how heavy my step to leave him. How I wish that I can hug him and ask him to stay. But I know I have to let him go.

I wish you can find your purpose of living.

To fall in love is hard, to be in love is difficult, to forget is suffering, and to let go is hurting.

Multi-Language Malaysians

“Merdeka!” This is the word that I was waiting through out the year when I was in primary school. The word does not sound special nor have any meaning to me that time. The only meaning for me was Merdeka means holiday.

During secondary school, most of my SK’s school friends went to boarding school and left me, a Chinese in the normal secondary school. It was a tough time for me during my Form One period because many Chinese educated students was transferred to my school. I found it difficult to communicate with them and they like to make fun on me. For them it is a shame for a Chinese who could not understand Chinese (Mandarin). So, I learned how to speak Mandarin accurately through Chinese radio station. I enjoyed it so much. I even gained interest in reading and writing. So, during the Chinese learning period (where SK’s students like me will have to do self study), I asked the Chinese tutor’s permission to let me join the class. Still remember clearly what she said to me.

“SK’s students can’t join the Chinese classes. You all will disturb the class because you all can’t understand Chinese,” she said using unpleasant tone.

I felt bad, really bad. I was thinking, is it wrong for us to get closer to our mother tongue? Make me a bit angry actually. Those Chinese educated people keep blaming us do not understand Chinese, but have they given us enough opportunity to learn? Hence, in order to say that it is a shame for a Chinese who do not understand Chinese, I now changed my perception.

Many of the Chinese educated people too adore their mother tongue until they do not want to get themselves better in our national language. Why I said this? Well, I was a Bahasa Malaysia tutor before during my college time and many of my students studying in Chinese school. The always asked, why they need to learn Bahasa Malaysia. I asked them back, why they need to study Chinese?

Learning Chinese is important for Chinese people because it is our mother tongue. Same thing, learning Bahasa Malaysia is important because we are Malaysians. Now, I can speak very fluent Mandarin and Bahasa Malaysia, how about you, Chinese educated friends?

So, Malaysia makes me feel I’m a Malaysian Chinese and I feel lucky in this country because I can speak many different languages. People might always said, Malaysia is not good, this and that. But gals and guys, human beings are greedy creature. No matter how lucky they are, how wealthy they are, but still they want more. So, why not just appreciate what you have now and be grateful. After all, I believed all Malaysians will work harder to be the best among the best. Go go Malaysia!!

*SK = Sekolah Kebangsaan

A Pair of Aeroplane

Ever wonder why God created a pair of eyes, a pair of hand, a pair of leg, a pair of ear and etc? Well, I always think about it. Maybe God don’t want alone, because being alone was a sad feeling. Or maybe God just wanted to tell us that in this world we are not alone. Therefore, sometimes we just can’t do things by our own. We need help sometimes, we need courage and support from others. That’s why things always came in pair.

I always believed in destiny. Yeah, I do. For me, destiny is something that can’t be explained using scientific methodology. It is just something that we could not explain and something that God had prepared them for us. This is what I always believed. However, sometime there are too much of things I thought there were “destiny”, but ended up I doubt about the things that I called “destiny”. Some friends in church or those who are faithful in Christ I met do tell me that I was doubt because I not really pray enough. Or maybe I was not faithful enough. Well, I admitted. Perhaps, I’m greedy. Besides human beings’ understanding, I want God understanding more that I suppose to get. That’s not good.

Back to the aeroplane I mentioned. Well, “A Pair of Aeroplane” appeared yesterday night when I saw two aeroplanes less than 15 minutes. Before begin, just wonder how many people out there will look up to the sky? Or perhaps should ask, how frequent people will look up to the sky to appreciate the creations of God? Well, when I was still very young (of course I was not really old now) I like to looked up to sky at night to see how wonderful the sky with million of stars shinning. After the beauty of sky disappeared with the little boy I admired, seem that I forgot the creation from God.

Well, last year a week before Christmas, if I not mistaken, the little boy came to my house. While waiting for him at the LRT station, suddenly I had call from the sky. Standing in the middle of the overhead bridge, I looked up the sky. I saw an aeroplane. Then, another one in less then 20 minutes. I thought I must be very lucky that night. Things that I called “destiny” happened that night. The little boy who waited for me in the wrong place saw the two aeroplanes as well. Exactly the same things I saw in the sky. I thought that time, that’s must be the guy God prepared for me, but actually he is not. So, who can explain this kind of situation to me?

Whenever, I thought “that’s must be God’s will”, mostly will turned to the opposite as what I had thought. Just wonder why. I prayed for my studies, wanted to pursuit my study in UK, turned up someone offered his help to take me there. This happened when I got my dream job as a journalist. I thought it must be a chances God gave to me, by sending this person to bring me to UK. So, I made a tough decision, planned to resign. When I really in the mood to go UK and after I let go all the worries in local and things I might faced in UK, thing started to changed. The person who promised me to be guardian if I go UK turned up to be disappeared. Just wonder why this happened to me. Again, I started lost. I hate this kind of feeling.

All these incidents make me feel I do not want to trust people, do not want to depend on people and do not feel to communicate with people. I started to feel that I was a weird person. Started to think, why things always came in pair. Started to agree that human being was a weak creature. I am weak. I just wanted a place that would accept me, a place that I feel being appreciated.

Media World, No Kidding

When I was 14 years old, I dreamt that media world was such a paradise. There are plenty of spaces for me to be improving in term of knowledge. When I chosen to study in Mass Communication and gamble my future in this popular course, with high competitive scale and low chances given, I trusted that whenever there is a will, there is always a way. Media world seem better than the previous paradise that I had set in 14 years old.

First term in the college, fantastic media world seem getting nearer to me. The media jargons seem interesting and the curiosity in the media world seem raised to the peak on the hill in the first few weeks of the term. However, things turn upside down when my curiosity does not answer, or perhaps it does but I could not capture. Media world now seem much difficult compared doing experiment in the lab. The jargons turned to nightmare and the paradise seem left me behind. I started to judge my choice, started to felt that I am going to be lost in the gamble.

During my college times, I felt that I am not really can communicate with people. Therefore, I started looked for job that can let me practice my communication skills. Starbucks, a wonderful coffee shop lead me to a more challenging world. First time in my life that I cant felt my confident. Bullied by seniors partners, stuck in middle of politic in the store. All these really make me regret to take up this gamble. However, God strengthen my life and I forced to move forward and not give up.

With other part time jobs, I kept myself busy the whole weeks. I started enjoyed being alone: alone in cinema, alone in bookshops and alone in coffee shops. Sometime just felt that I became anti-social person after joining media world. Media person with bad social attitude sounds funny. Somehow, all these make me realized media world actually not that wonderful. Even though not wonderful, but I do not want to give up.

A big change in me was clear showed, but not many of my friends understand. After two years in the college, I finally finished my final paper. Two years struggling in college and working places with bad relation with friends finally came to the end, I thought.

Confuse and lost appeared again when I do not know where to go after graduate. Do not feel to stay in that college anymore. Perhaps, I felt to leave this place, a place that too many familiar faces. I started looked for jobs in oversea, and of course locally. Planned to save as much money as I can, so that I can pursuit my dream in oversea.

During the period where I was busy preparing my final exam, God already prepared everything for me. I got an offer job in a magazine company as journalist. I felt excited and grateful. I even gave up the opportunity to go to United Kingdom, my dream country to study. I believed in this small magazine company I can learn things that might useful for my future. Even my mum keep telling me to go to United Kingdom and stay with my cousin, still I chosen to be a junior journalist here. As for me, United Kingdom will not sink. There will be chances for me to step in the country in future.

After decided to stay in this heartless city, I set a timeline for myself. 1 – 2 years working in the magazine company and save as much as I can, then further my study in Australia. Seem a fantastic plan. After the final exam, I went back to my hometown and have my rest. I also quit all my part time jobs, as I want to concentrate in the magazine job. However, I remain as part time barista in Starbucks because I already felt in love with the store.

The first week in the company, I really felt excited. Went to the first press conference in my life and realized how “real” the media world. Disappointment occurred in me. Somehow, I do not want to give up. My editor gave me strength as I thought he is understanding person. Under his guide, I learned lots about the media and business world. Felt a bit grateful and I promised myself that I will work hard in order to help my editor.

Somehow, the second week turns a bit different. Not sure how, but I felt useless in the company. Even I am the only journalist in the company, but my job is so easy. Do not feel the excitement being journalist. This is all because I do not have strong grammar skills. This actually makes my editor a bit piss off. This makes me feel bad actually. Again, makes my confident thinner.

My feeling get worst when my news report had been changed almost 80%. Just wonder is it still accurate to put ‘by Yuki Ling’ in the news report. This leads me to a bad emotion again. Feeling to be alone in cinema suddenly occurred. Working in Starbucks that weekend makes me a bit release. The book fair makes me better as well, and ‘Pirates of Caribbean 3’ make me even better.

Even tough it will be a difficult time for me in this company, but I will not give up as I never give up completing my Mass Communication course. Hopefully through the company, I can improve my English skills and learn more about the media world. After joining the company, I started feel the media world is not that fantastic as I thought when I was 14 years old. Somehow, I will try my best to be the best in the media as it is still a challenging job for me.

Meaning of Public Holiday

Today was the so called worldwide holiday for everyone, the Labor Day. Somehow I still need to work. For me public holiday will only valid to those people who work in office, tutors, government servants, and some others. Therefore, not for people who are doing sales, food and Beverage and some that giving services.

One of my friend went to the police station on one of the so called public holiday last week (holiday in Malaysia) to get certified some of his certificate which he needed urgently to apply for local university. Guess what, the policeman on duty told him that it was public holiday so the police station got no other policeman to help him. Funny!!! When I heard this, the first day came across my mind was “does robbers or murderer on holidays as the policeman on public holiday???”

Well, since I started working when I was 12 years old, guess there are no such public holidays for me. Public holiday mean I can earn more on that day, because usually employer will pay double if working on public holiday. So guess public holiday will not be the holiday for me, but will be the day that I can earn more from my part time jobs than usual. Hmmm…starting next 7th May, I will started my Journalist job. So guess, after that, I might have a proper public holiday…

Since not everyone will have a holiday on public holiday especially today, “Labor Day”, I was thinking should we still call 1st of May as “Labor Day”?

Chinese New Year, it is year of Pig..
Happy Chinese New Year…..
This year was really a boring year for me. Different from past few years, during Chinese New Year I will have many programmes waiting me. This year, seem that I do not want to go anywhere. Maybe is because few days before Chinese New Year I was sick. Therefore, I really do not have the mood to go out.

Few days before Chinese New Year, I was sick. Is been a long time I never sick like this. Still, thanks God everything still ok.

The first day of Chinese New Year, the first thing to do was going to church. It was wonderful morning. I met old friends of mine in church, met my pastor and met ‘him’. That is it my first day of Chinese New Year. I did not go anywhere else…hehe..

Well, second and third day of Chinese New Year, I went to visit some of my friends’ houses and got some “angpao”. Not really fun since all my friends like gamble a lots, while I never gamble. So, friends of mine keep complaining about me. Well, they knew I never gamble.

The whole Chinese New Year I spend most of the time at home. Doing nothing, just sleeping. Well, since is the year of pig, must have some pig’s attitude as well. Hehe…

Therefore, I did watch a series of Japanese’s drama, “One Litre of Tears”. It is really a good drama inspired from a true story. The drama is about a girl named Aya who has spinocerebellar degeneration (a terrible disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or ea)t. She tried all her best to live happily and to bring hope to herself and people around her. Aya died on 1988, but her diary had published as a book and now into drama where her wishes to deliver her simple but strong message: “Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing." I guess all of the people know about this message, but how many who really realize the meaning in it? I guess, me myself not really aware about this simple message before as well. Guess, every one of us really has to be thankful because we are still alive, right?

Changes in My Life
Some one told me that although life seems to be difficult for me now, but there will be the turning point. Life is not going to be difficult all the time. God created many challenges for me, and He is going to give me a big turning point, this is how the person told me. Is this going to happen?
I was thinking no matter how hard I am trying, my life seem will be like this, because I do not know how to take things easy. I do not know the meaning of “take it easy”. In my life, fairy tales like Cinderella seem not exist. Whenever I tell myself, I am going to take things easy especially relationship with other people, there will be some one seems good to you. However, you know, this kind of people will not last long. Not sure, why they like to create hopes for me, but never continue it until the end. Therefore, I never ask more, just hope that do not like the weather, I could not know when they are good weather for me. This really makes me looks like an idiot.
Somehow, thank you for those who ever give me some hopes, no matter mean it or not. Thanks ya… I will try to take things more easily.

“Our life is like a piece of paper on which every passer by leaves a mark.”

February 05, 2007
19:50

Sickness during Exam Period: A Little Girl in Middle of World

My final exam will be around corner again. As usual, I will feel uncomfortable, stressing, headache and sometime fever. Wonder why all these illness will accompany me before exam. During this period as well, I will think much more unnecessary stuffs.. Will feel much more lonely than usual time, much more fear to future than usual time.. Not sure whether other students will feel the same. Maybe I am giving too much pressure to myself or perhaps I am scared to be loser. I am trying hard to please people around me, but still not much different. People around me might think I am strong, I am tough enough to handle things, but in fact, they are all wrong. In spite, I am gal that need help most of the time but could not get help from anyone. I am weak that sometime need shoulder to cry on and need hand to pull me up but non willing to do so. I am gal that need attention and companion, but seem hardly get along with people around me. I am gal seeking for peaceful and simple life, but my life seem storming and difficult… For me life seem playing a big game with a little girl that make the girl lost psychologically. Sometime, I might think I am weird creature in world that I could not even manage myself probably. Everything seems a mess in my world. I wanted people to know what am I thinking, but when I speak it out, things seems to be different make me more miserable. Perhaps I really have to learn not to let other people to hold my Key of Happiness. Should not hope for people love that much and accept what God created for me. I dreamt to be happy housewife in future, but God told me no, I have to study hard to be professional. I wanted to rely on people even a small thing because I do not want to be strong, but God told me no, you have to do it by yourself. I wanted to be selfish in some matter, but God said no, saying that I am not living alone in the world. I do not want to take note on things around me, but God let me see clearly my responsibility. I wanted to drag myself in wonder world, but God drag me back to reality. I wanted to give up, but God sent me angels to hold me on track.
Sometime, feel really funny that I could not identified myself. I am not sure whether I am childish thinking or mature. Whether I am in right track or not, whether should go or left, whether should do or not. Life have too much of things to consider. Those who are strong to go through will success. Those who are weak will lost their track and be follower. While me, is going to be in middle of these two options. I do not want to be follower but on the other hand, I do not want to be strong as well.

The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do, the hard part is doing it.

Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf

What A Lonely Birthday

Today is my Birthday..suppose to be my Day..

Is New Year..HAppy New YEar :)

Today is the first day for year 2007. I promised myself on last day of 2006 that I will give myself the best in this year. Well, I will saying this every year, but none of the best things I could do. Although I cannot achieved things that I set, but still wanted to give myself another chance this year... he he…

This year I’m not going to be waiting for things to come. Well, I mean, not going to putting hope on those things that is impossible for me. Example, I always waiting for someone to saying ‘hi’ to me, waiting someone to aware of my exist, waiting for someone that might think of me in certain places and grab me some small present, hoping someone will remember me and lots more. I really hope that I’m not going to be the one who always approaching people, guess people get bored of my attitude like this. Therefore, in this year I really hope I can be more passive. Hope so.

Today, I went for movie alone again after my work, watching “The Guardian”. Guess what… I was crying in cinema again. The person who sitting next to me was alone as well and thing that I hated the most happened again. He gave me tissue when he realized I was crying. Oh…really hate it. Moreover, this is second time stranger gave me tissue in cinema. I really need to prepare tissue whenever going for movies next time. I really do not know why I can easily put myself in the movies. Even comedy I can cry if there is short length of sadness scene. Shameful. Wonder if anyone of you all like to watch movie alone in cinema like me. What will you do if u realizes person sitting beside you are crying watching the movie? Hand over tissue as well?

A Merry Christmas

I started to celebrate Christmas after I went to church in 2000. The Christmas in the beginning few years were fantastic especially the 1st time I celebrated Christmas in church. People always said that 1st time will always be the most memorable, well, I totally agreed with it. In Church, we decorated the Christmas tree together, prepared foods together and went house to house to spread this Christmas tiding, caroling we called it.

Still remember during the caroling, we will went to this brother’s house on up hill. Here, I will go out the house after finished singing and walked around the garden near by. This wills always the last house to go. In the garden, I get to know how fantastic God created the star at night for us. Still remember, the first year I celebrated Christmas, ehmmm.. year 2000, if I not mistaken. I went out with this guy, guy who likes to wears yellow shirt that I mentioned in my 1st blog. We walked around the garden and looked up the sky and realized the stars. The sky was full of the shinning stars. Really fantastic. After that Silent night, whenever Christmas is around, I will look up the sky and hope I will see the same sky. Very sad, that sky never appears again. Maybe, I was not with him after that. The sky seem not bright, sometime no stars in Christmas night.

After three years I never celebrate Christmas, this year I will celebrate this coming Christmas with my secondary school mates in an island, Langkawi. Not sure whether I can have a wonderful Christmas or not since the last three years I was really lonely during Christmas, but at least I will not be alone this year.

Christmas is really a fantastic day. Although, after the fist year I celebrated Christmas, the beautiful Christmas seem left me behind, but I believe someday, I can again have a beautiful Christmas.

Finally, wish all who read my message will have a wonderful and beautiful Christmas. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
God Bless…

HAIR CUT

I always keep my hair short. The longest hair I ever had willed not exits my shoulder. Friends and my mum keep asking me why I do not keep my hair long. Usually will just tell them short hair looked cool.
Besides being cool, actually to show people I’m not happy. Guess no one think about this. Once my hair grow long, meaning I was happy that few months. Once my hair being cut frequently, meaning I was upset. Weird attitude tough…
I was having hair today. Looks really good with this new hair style but again shows that I was having problems recently. Perhaps those who read this will ask, why cut hair when I was sad. Well, basically because once I cut my hair, meaning I cut off all the unhappiness that happened to me. With new hair style, I can have better beginning. I will feel very nervous when the hair stylist started to cut my hair. Not really sure why will shaking in my heart but it always happen. Maybe this shows that I was a person who lived in fear.
Anyone of you have this kind of feeling when having your hair cut? What usually people will feel when they have their hair cut? Happy? Or nervous like me?